My individual work with clients is primarily influenced by two different models—Diana Fosha’s Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) and Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). When I learned about AEDP and EFT and then experienced them as a client, I realized that there was no other way I wanted to practice. These models require the therapist to be highly attuned, engaged, responsive, available, and corrective. I strive to show up this way for my clients because I know firsthand how we simply don’t get enough people to sit and be with us in that way. Hilary Jacobs Hendel and her wonderful book, “It’s Not Always Depressing,” have also greatly impacted my work, and I will share more of her thought process here.
In individual counseling, I work with adult clients facing depression, anxiety, chronic stress, life transitions, grief, developmental trauma, and relationship challenges.
“Metabolizing” emotions is a lifelong skill that, when practiced regularly, can be more rewarding than simply coping with or managing emotions. After all, aren’t we here on this planet to feel and experience rather than manage and control?
In AEDP therapy, I invite clients not only to talk about their feelings from an intellectual perspective, but most importantly to also feel those feelings in their bodies—in the here and now.
Only by experiencing a specific emotion can we move through it and uncover what lies on the other side.
Some people think we can think our way through an emotion, but that is not true. Core emotions must be felt viscerally and they need to be processed to their completion. However, the concept of feeling your feelings is not as simple as it sounds (it does get easier with practice though!)
That is primarily because, somewhere along the way in our lives, we have learned or been taught various messages about emotions that are untrue. For instance, people believe that anger is bad and aggressive, that fear indicates weakness, that sadness means dwelling or being overly sensitive, or that excitement is unwise (since something negative might happen, so why allow yourself to feel too excited?) and so forth. These messages may differ for you, but generally speaking, we all hold some outdated, preconceived beliefs about feelings that influence how we respond to ourselves when we experience these emotions. All of these beliefs make it harder for us to embrace our experiences that ultimately make us all human.
Well, we often end up relying on mind-numbing coping mechanisms and then, symptomatic behaviors develop . At the more extreme end of these coping strategies are addictions to alcohol, drugs, pornography, and gambling; on the less extreme side (yet still detracting from our authentic aliveness and goodness) are defenses such as sarcasm, rumination, excessive joking, spacing out, talking too much (or not enough), criticizing, preoccupation, perfectionism, being stuck in our heads, irritability, judging ourselves or others, arrogance, overthinking, overeating, undereating, obsessing, overexercising, and more.
If you find yourself using one or more of these defense mechanisms, please know that this is not your fault.
Consider that these coping methods might be your best solutions to managing your feelings and experiences if no one ever taught you a different way.
The good news is that this is precisely what we would be working on in individual counseling at Marta Kem Therapy.
Change Triangle is a “map of the mind” that Hilary Jacobs Hendel constructed based on Fosha’s AEDP model. I love Hilary’s clear explanation, and I want to share it with you. Imagine an upside-down triangle with core emotions at the very bottom, inhibitory emotions (anxiety, shame, and guilt) on the right side of that triangle, and defenses on the left side.
We all experience seven core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement. These emotions inform us of what we want, need, like, and dislike and are essential inborn survival instincts. They literally notify us of our needs. When we feel sadness, we might seek support. When we feel anger, we may need to assert ourselves. If we see a bear approaching, it is adaptive to feel fear to respond appropriately by getting out of its way. By noticing, feeling, and responding to our emotions, having our needs met, being heard and seen in how we feel, our nervous systems can relax, allowing us to experience openheartedness.
Richard Schwartz, who developed Internal Family Systems therapy, described seven states of openheartedness: calm, curious, compassionate, connected, courageous, confident, and clear. I’m adding one more: congruent. When we feel openheartedness, life feels good again.
However, let’s say that you grew up in a home where sadness was not welcomed and was perhaps labeled as being too sensitive; your caregiver didn’t like seeing you upset. As a young child, you start developing an internal belief that may manifest in many ways. Generally, it sounds like this, “I won’t be approved, accepted, or loved if I am sad.” Since children’s well-being depends on pleasing their caregivers (as the alternative might mean more disapproval, punishment, or judgment), they have no choice but to continually find ways to push away sadness. Over time, that becomes a well-ingrained habit that can be harder to break.
Importantly, even if we try to push sadness away, we still experience it. However, because it is unwelcome, we unconsciously develop inhibitory emotions (which are found in the upper right section of that upside-down triangle).
Hilary described defenses as “creative maneuvers the mind makes to spare us the pain and overwhelming sensations that emotions can cause.” They are anything we do to avoid experiencing both core and inhibitory emotions. Defenses act as our protectors. Common defenses include worrying, ruminating, changing the subject, smiling or excessively joking, judging, perfectionism, zoning out, and feeling tired or depressed.
Importantly, there are some positive defenses: watching a comedy when you feel down, exercising when you feel stressed, or thinking positive thoughts when you are trying to complete a work project.
Breathwork sessions can also be incredibly helpful.
Defenses become destructive when we lose touch with our feelings (and therefore our needs) and we get fully hijacked by them—spinning on a hamster wheel without knowing how to get off.
A cognitive understanding of the Change Triangle can provide that initial relief. After all, when we can identify something for what it truly is, we can also manage its impact on us (by naming something, we can tame it).
The next step is to make space for these core feelings to be felt. In counseling, I can help you with gently leaning towards these feelings.
Understanding the Change Triangle can also help us dismantle some erroneous beliefs about emotions. The ones I hear the most often are: If I let myself cry, I will cry forever; if I let myself feel excited, I will get disappointed later on; and if I let myself feel angry, I will be aggressive. Can you imagine gently challenging these types of beliefs?
What if by dismantling these beliefs you start to allow yourself to experience your core feelings in this new—adaptive way? And what if by experiencing these feelings (instead of protecting yourself from them), you get to find a new sense of aliveness, life fulfillment, and overall well-being?
No, anxiety is not a core emotion. Anxiety (or shame or guilt, which are also located on the left side of the Change Triangle) is what we feel when we unconsciously cannot or don’t want to experience our core emotions. “I am anxious” is a statement that is overused and doesn’t fully reflect what is going on the inside. People say “I am anxious about my job,” but when we slow down to discover some core feelings underneath, we find out that there is fear (of being ridiculed or judged for example), anger (about things being unfair), or sadness (for a coworker who has been discriminated against).
In individual counseling, we find a way to move through the anxiety, shame, or guilt so that we can attend to and care for the parts of you that experience core feelings. We then PRACTICE feeling these core feelings, and THAT is what reduces anxiety.
Prior to becoming a therapist and undergoing therapy, my understanding of anxiety was limited, and my coping strategies were ineffective (such as venting, complaining, optimistic thinking, and increasing exercise).
I am thankful that my profession has provided me with profound insights into the nature of anxiety, and I feel privileged daily to educate others about it and assist them in managing it.
Can you guess? Believe it or not, depression serves as a defense mechanism because it blocks core emotional experiences. It’s also important to note that sometimes depression results from changes in the brain; however, even in those cases, there is usually something deeper involved.
Let’s say you’re feeling down and drained of energy, and all you want is to stay in bed and sleep (defense). When you focus on the idea of getting up and being productive, you experience anxiety and a terrible sense of unease (inhibitory affect). When you come in to see me, I might ask: “What do you think is causing these feelings for you?” You might respond: “Well, I no longer want to be married to my partner, but I’m too scared (core emotion) even to consider what that entails.” Wouldn’t it make sense that depression is where this client turns?
In individual counseling, we work to explore and understand where you are at on the CHANGE TRIANGLE. Maybe what is needed is to be together with the part of you that is experiencing chronic shame and guilt? Maybe we can together start getting curious about what emotions are hiding underneath that shame? What if, with time and persistence, we can transform your state to the one that is more openhearted?
The payoff of that work is major.
By training ourselves to experience our core emotions physically as sensations, we stimulate nerve cells to fire (literally establishing new neural pathways that tap into our inherent emotional and relational intelligence), facilitating the flow of these emotions.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel beautifully explains that “when we learn to let our core emotions flow, our everyday distress that is caused by blocked emotions is ameliorated, we feel calmer and more balanced, and our courage and self-confidence grow.” We start showing up differently for our loved ones and ourselves.
If you don’t like focusing on your emotions (or feeling them), what’s the reason for that? Is it because you witnessed dramatic or even hysterical displays of emotions in people around you? Is it that others manipulated you with their emotions? Or perhaps you view emotions as distractions and insignificant. Most, if not all, of my clients have not had positive examples of how emotions can be genuinely felt, expressed, and used effectively.
Is my tendency to turn my feelings off and shut them down, or do I tend to feel my feelings all the time and struggle calming myself down?
Perhaps you “under-feel,” always living in your head and relying solely on your intellect as your primary guide. You might find yourself withdrawing from conflict, shutting down and becoming unable to connect with your partner and yourself, unsure of what you truly feel or need. Disconnecting from your feelings may have helped you cope with difficult or stressful situations. Additionally, you may not have received enough modeling regarding adaptive emotional expression, leading to a sense of shame or weakness when it comes to having emotions.
You may find yourself on the other end of the spectrum, feeling intense emotions constantly, and turning them off can feel like a challenge. You might struggle to feel calm, have difficulty thinking clearly, and find decision-making hard. Your feelings might overwhelm you and you find yourself “over-feel.” If this resonates with you, please understand that under-regulation often results from having an inconsistent presence of a regulating figure who was meant to help soothe and comfort you, but that support may not have been sufficient and predictable enough.
What if, with time and practice, we reestablish a balance, destigmatize feelings, and learn to trust ourselves enough to embrace them and use them to our benefit?
Please know that nothing is wrong with you or you are not bad if your emotions feel too much for you or you cannot access them at all. Sometimes, we are just under-resourced, and getting more support is all we need to move forward in a different way.
I, too, have to keep on navigating my emotional and cognitive landscape. I, too, work with my own therapist, who supports me in achieving this life balance. It is something that I am committed to in order to show up better for myself, my family, friends, and you, of course.
Gabor Maté wrote that trauma is NOT what happens to you. The trauma is what happens inside of you. And, as a result of these traumatic events, what happens inside you is you get disconnected from your emotions, and you get disconnected from your body, and you have difficulty being in the present moment. And you develop a negative view of your world and a negative view of yourself and a defensive view of other people.
Diana Fosha explained how trauma happens when we are faced by “unwilled and unwanted aloneness in the face of overwhelming emotions.”
Whether we have experienced “big T traumas” such as natural disasters, violent crimes, or severe accidents, or “small t traumas” such as having emotionally neglectful parents, bullying, or losing a loved one, being alone with the powerful emotions that these types of events bring on IS what impacts all of us.
I believe that with enough support, we all can get stronger in the very places that have been broken inside of us.
I consider myself an experiential and body-oriented practitioner. A key distinction in my approach compared to other therapists is that I focus on crafting an interactive experience during our sessions. This enables you to engage with the experience and explore how to apply it in ways that work for you—in and out of the therapy session.
My style has been described as engaged, caring, authentic, and direct. Although my clients must be heard, I don’t think letting them “vent” is helpful. I believe in politely interrupting my clients if I notice an opportunity to help them uncover parts of themselves that they have often spent their entire lives running away from. I strive to be attuned and welcome feedback if I accidentally misattune to my clients.
If you would like to start this fascinating journey with me of discovering together how your mind, thoughts, and emotions work, give me a call, text me at (303) 898-6140 or email me at: marta@martakemtherapy.com
