You might be considering counseling as an individual in a committed romantic relationship but your partner has declined your suggestion to seek counseling. You may hesitate to invite them to join you, wishing for a better relationship but feeling uncertain about how to start the conversation.
Perhaps you’re withholding your struggles because you fear that suggesting couples counseling could lead to confrontation and yet another fight. After all, what if you mention therapy and your partner reacts negatively, thinking, “Here we go again; you want to fix me.”
Regardless, it’s natural to experience emotions like anger, frustration, and hopelessness. The sense of loneliness associated with all these feelings can be overwhelming, making it even harder to navigate a relationship. Eventually, this sense of isolation starts to breed shame, and the more shame we feel, the more isolated we become. This leads to becoming increasingly critical of either ourselves OR/AND of our partner.
In Individual Relationship Therapy, we can first understand your perspective, helping you realize that even your harsh criticism or defensive withdrawal makes sense, considering how alone, unsupported, and misunderstood you might have felt. Often, when we are in the midst of an argument, we end up not knowing what started it and what the fight is really about. In counseling, you can gain a clearer understanding of what the fight is about. That new perspective can open new doors for resolution—even if your partner isn’t present.
This may or may not be true. If it is true, their refusal to seek help doesn’t mean you can’t support yourself through counseling and find a way to alleviate the blame you assign to your partner.
Gaining a deeper understanding of your feelings, perceptions, triggers, and behaviors can actually transform how you experience yourself in your relationship.
Furthermore, what if we could find a way to support you mentally and emotionally so that even when your partner takes a negative step in the dance, you take a new and different step that might benefit the relationship? Even if your relationship doesn’t benefit from your change, I would love to help you find pride in yourself for trying something new and moving through the fear of doing so.
The founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy expressed it beautifully: “It takes two to tango.”
While you may be highly self-aware and not require the same emotional work as your partner, that doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from growth and learning. So, let’s explore how you can continue growing, even if your partner doesn’t want to grow alongside you. Who knows, maybe witnessing your changes might inspire others to do the same…
Some individuals may find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking deeper connection yet struggle to talk about it with their partner OR accept it when it arrives. Others may adopt a pattern of avoiding conflict, shutting down, or withdrawing.
You can invite your partner to a few of your individual counseling sessions; however, I won’t start couples counseling because I will already be working with you at that point.
If I conducted couples counseling for you and your partner, I could risk losing my objectivity and aligning too closely with you, which might lead your partner to feel excluded and othered . That is the last thing I want for both of you. I’ll make sure to refer you to a couples therapist I trust.
For almost a decade, I was a couples therapist first. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am trained in relationships and systems. I understand how relationships function and how they can break down.
Often, individual therapists lack training in couples counseling and may not fully understand love. They tend to focus on concepts like “self-love” and independence, promoting ideas such as, “You just have to make yourself happy. Maybe you should leave!”
However, I do not dictate what you should do. My role is to help you explore and discover within yourself what is best for you moving forward.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach developed by Sue Johnson designed for couples, marriages, and individuals facing relationship challenges. This model aids clients in identifying the core issues behind their negative interaction patterns. EFT emphasizes restoring and enhancing the bond between partners, fostering a sense of safety and trust.
Research into Emotionally Focused Therapy over the past thirty years shows that 70% of couples undergoing EFT experience a recovery from relationship distress symptoms, and as many as 90% report improvements in their relationships.
We know that most clients seek couples counseling or Individual Couples Counseling because they struggle with communication. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship. When handled effectively, they help the relationship grow and evolve. However, arguments become a problem when the same fights keep coming back.
Research shows that learning to communicate better doesn’t quite fix all the problems in a relationship. The key is to learn to have a different type of conversation.
As a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I focus on addressing core issues rather than merely alleviating symptoms. Did you know that these key questions often lie beneath the surface of our conflicts? These questions include: Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Will you be there when I need you? Do you value me for who I am? EFT addresses these questions. I hope to inspire you and teach you how to have different types of conversations with your partner—conversations that are more vulnerable and transparent.
Yes! Sue Johnson in her classic book for couples “Hold Me Tight” talks about three different types of cycles. Here they are:
Cycle is when both partners are mutually attacking each other and counterattacking. They want to prove that they are right and the other partner is wrong. The main goal becomes to win the fight.
Cycle is when one partner is making demands for more connection and the other one withdraws and shuts down. This cycle often happens when one partner seeks more emotional connection and the other one responds with a solution.
Cycle when both partners are avoiding addressing issues and conflict causing disconnection and distance in a relationship.
Once we identify the type of cycle in which you may be getting stuck, we will uncover the core emotions and attachment needs driving your disconnection from your partner. Wouldn’t it be nice to start brainstorming ways to stop the negative cycle and foster a more positive one?
And yes, it would be amazing if your partner were also willing to work on their part of the cycle. However, since they are not in that place, you can still take a different approach on your end and feel satisfied with yourself for doing it differently.
Recovering from infidelity isn’t for everyone, but it is possible, and Individual Couples Counseling can assist in two ways.
Please know, I often work in collaboration with couples therapists who are actively helping the couples move through the infidelity, while I focus on supporting an individual partner.
Alternatively, if you are not interested in staying in your relationship and working through the infidelity, we will talk about ways to end your relationship that feel least damaging to the other family members.
From my experience, it is safe to say that, unfortunately, despite their best intentions, family and friends sometimes don’t offer the best advice for handling complex issues. While they try to be loyal by taking sides, they may actually create even more chaos. Therefore, seeing an outside therapist might provide you with an objective perspective.
Feeling disconnected from our partners is normal and even predictable. However, in theory, periods of disconnection and distance should be followed by reconnection and closeness. For instance, a challenging discussion about one partner feeling unsupported should, in theory, lead to an honest and heartfelt conversation. Although it might initially be bumpy, it can conclude with a sense of accomplishment for navigating a difficult dialogue and foster new understanding, relational growth, and ultimately, a sense of connection.
If you would like to chat more with me how Individual Couples Counseling can benefit you, please give me a call, text me at (303) 898-6140
