I was born in Poland and lived there for the first 19 years of my life. Life in post-Communist Poland was challenging. My unofficial training as a therapist and couples therapist started when I was a young child, caught in the middle of my parents’ arguments. I distinctly remember trying to figure out who was “right” and who was “wrong”—Mom or Dad. At that young age, I knew that the answer could not really be that simple.
I decided to leave Poland when I was 19 after receiving a rejection letter from the university of my dreams. The sense of failure and disappointment was profound. I was devastated and felt I needed to take on a significant challenge to prove to myself that I was not, indeed, a complete failure. With only minimal English proficiency, I left my country by myself four weeks after the 9/11 attacks in 2001.
Saying goodbye to my family was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I missed them tremendously. I felt physically pained by my loneliness. Navigating a different culture, trying to make a living, and searching for that sense of belonging was challenging; somehow, I propelled myself forward. Gradually, I started to confront one fear at a time —the fear of speaking broken English, getting lost in a brand-new city (without GPS), not understanding something, and so on.
White-knuckling through life and pushing through these fears began to be part of my process. I didn’t feel; I just “did” and kept moving forward. I couldn’t allow myself to stop, so I focused on my goal—proving my worth through doing and accomplishing. Finishing my undergraduate and graduate degrees with honors, running marathons, and becoming a well-known and respected private practice owner were things I had hoped would bring me pride and fulfillment, they didn’t. The more credentials and certifications I earned, the worse I felt. What I didn’t know then, but know now, is that seeking self-worth and “enoughness” outside of myself simply would never work.
Throughout this time, my “unofficial” counseling skills continued to grow. During the first ten years of my life in the United States, I worked as a nanny for five different families (living with four of them) and helped raise a total of 14 children, ranging from 3-month-old triplets to a 15-year-old teenager. I not only cared for these kids; I also observed a great deal. I noticed the interpersonal dynamics between the children and their parents, as well as between the parents themselves. My training as a therapist was already in full swing.
As I observed countless interactions among these families, my fascination with parenting, family dynamics, and marital relationships deepened. During my graduate program at the University of Northern Colorado, I interned at the Attachment Treatment and Training Institute in Evergreen, where I provided attachment training to internationally adopted children and their parents. At Summit Stone Health Partners in Fort Collins, I was part of the intensive in-home family team, working with high-risk children and their families. Finally, at the Denver Family Institute, I began training in how to work effectively with couples. These experiences cultivated a profound appreciation and understanding of parenthood, relationships, and the power of families.
While I was still in my graduate program, I learned about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). I fell in love with the modality and dedicated around 10 years of my career to studying and practicing it. Becoming a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor felt like a significant milestone in my career. EFT has also been incredibly successful in my relationship with my husband; we have built a wonderful marriage that we are both very proud of.
Throughout my life journey, I have dealt with persistent feelings of anxiety, depression, PTSD, chronic back pain, headaches, and insomnia. These symptoms simply would not subside until I learned to care for myself in a new way.
Eventually, I had to confront the greatest fear of all—that part of me that, as a child, never felt enough and worthy. I am still making friends with her, since rejecting her has never been effective anyway.
My painful yet incredibly rewarding journey humbles me every day. It helps me understand and connect with my clients. It motivates me to show up—first and foremost, for myself, my family, my friends, and my clients. I envision myself working towards wholeness, integration, and congruence for the rest of my days. Pursuing a path of growth makes me a better human, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and therapist.
Even though I intend to hold a safe space for you, the fact that I am a white, cisgender female in an able-bodied body of European descent might be confronting to you. Despite my continued education about marginalized communities and microaggressions, these mentioned identities might still lead me to have blind spots.
We are all bound to hurt others because we are imperfect humans.
I commit to making repairs if there is a rupture in our relationship. I dedicate myself to doing my part; to doing my homework. I commit to recalibrating and changing my ways of being.
COULD I POTENTIALLY BE THE RIGHT THERAPIST FOR YOU?
The following therapeutic modalities influence how I conceptualize my cases and work with clients.
All living creatures share the imperative of regulating life processes such that life can persist, flourish and project itself into the future. The goal is not to just yield the required amount of energy for life to continue, but rather to yield an energy surplus, resulting in a positive energy balance.” (Damasio)
When we don’t feel alone and when we feel accompanied, our nervous systems get upgraded. Attachment theory in AEDP is fundamental where emotional engagement with the client is the pillar of change. An AEDP therapist focuses on helping clients not only express difficult emotions, but also on receiving positive emotions, and thus take in compliments, for example.
Processing emotions to completion is very important. For instance, the core emotion of grief will lead us to eventual acceptance, while the core emotion of anger will lead us to strength and empowerment. Learning how to face difficult feelings, instead of avoiding them, leads to growth, clarity, and expansion.
All living creatures share the imperative of regulating life processes such that life can persist, flourish and project itself into the future. The goal is not to just yield the required amount of energy for life to continue, but rather to yield an energy surplus, resulting in a positive energy balance.” (Damasio)
An AEDP therapist heals from the get-go, believing that we are wired for growth, self-righting, and healing. A genuine and safe relationship where one feels seen, valued, and supported is needed to start letting down defensive barriers. In AEDP, the therapist attends to what feels right and true for the client—privileging joy, gratitude, and happiness, but also making room for sadness, anger, grief, or pain.
When we don’t feel alone and when we feel accompanied, our nervous systems get upgraded. Attachment theory in AEDP is fundamental where emotional engagement with the client is the pillar of change. An AEDP therapist focuses on helping clients not only express difficult emotions, but also on receiving positive emotions, and thus take in compliments, for example.
Processing emotions to completion is very important. For instance, the core emotion of grief will lead us to eventual acceptance, while the core emotion of anger will lead us to strength and empowerment. Learning how to face difficult feelings, instead of avoiding them, leads to growth, clarity, and expansion.
“There are, in fact, no more important communications between one human being and another than those expressed emotionally, and no information more vital for constructing and reconstructing working models of self and other, than information about how each feels toward the other.” (John Bowlby)
An EFT therapist believes that people in relationships (either with spouses, family members, friends, or even themselves) have a good reason for their behavior, even if it often isn’t the best course of action for sustaining a loving relationship; the EFT therapist helps uncover these reasons. For example, primary emotions of sadness or fear are often covered up by secondary emotions such as anger.
Couples fight because one or both partners are either not emotionally available, responsive, accessible, or engaged with each other. What makes EFT very effective is that the therapist is continuously working towards helping partners increase their level of responsiveness to each other: Accessibility: Can I reach you? (this means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure); Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? (this means tuning to your partner and showing that their emotions, especially attachment needs and fears, have an impact on you); Engagement: “Do I know you will value me and stay close? (this means to be emotionally engaged or pulled towards your partner when they feel certain feelings, versus dismissive).
The founder of EFT, Sue Johnson, believed couples and families get stuck in a negative cycle There are three main patterns that an EFT therapist usually sees: Find the Bad Guy (e.g., it is not my fault, it’s yours!); Protest Polka (e.g., I criticize, and you defend); Freeze and Flee (both partners withdraw and shut down). These patterns are seen as the true villains—not the partners. EFT is a powerful method that helps de-escalate the conflict and promotes connection, care, and attunement. Ultimately, the goal is to create a new cycle that is adaptive.
“The greatest thing, in all education, is to make our nervous system our ally as opposed to our enemy.” (William James)
A therapist informed by Polyvagal Theory believes that the autonomic nervous system is shaped by early experiences and is reshaped with ongoing experiences. Thankfully, habitual response patterns can be interrupted. Often, less-than-ideal life circumstances can dysregulate our autonomic nervous system, and by doing so, move us away from safety and connection and towards mobilization (fight or flight; can look like anxiety) or immobilization (freeze and fawn; can look like depression). The theory developer, Stephen Porges, explains that normally, using the process of neuroception, the autonomic nervous system searches for cues of safety and watches for signs of danger to help us orient and act when needed.
However, due to traumatic events (being betrayed, for example), we might detect a threat where there is no actual threat (e.g., believing that your new, trustworthy partner is also cheating, when in reality that is not the case) or, vice versa, we might detect safety where there is none (e.g., believing that your new partner is trustworthy despite there being red flags).
Understanding and befriending our nervous system allows us to discern the difference between past threats and present safety. We also can learn and find a predictable way to move from dysregulation (e.g., anxiousness, upset, depression) to experiencing regulation (safety, calm, and connection with others). That ability to return to emotional regulation is the essence of resiliency. Importantly, co-regulation (calming down with someone else) is a biological imperative, and our ability to self-regulate (calm down by ourselves) is built on ongoing experiences of co-regulation. The therapist offers constant co-regulation during the therapeutic process, and that in itself can be a corrective emotional experience for clients who never had a safe other to help them.
“The therapist must give to the patient a replica of the birthright of the love, which was denied, as an infant or a growing child, but which, if granted, would have assured him full stature as an individual in his own right.” (Izette de Forrest)
In CRST, the main premise is that we all have the Core Self, the Wounded Self, and the Present-Day Self. According to SueAnne Pierce, the Present-Day Self (also known as the Chronological Self or the Adult Self) is the consciousness that moves between the Wounded Self and the Core Self. The Core Self exists independently of experience and represents WHO WE ARE at birth. Just as we are born with the deep structure of language that develops through repeated acts of communication, the deep structure of the Core Self emerges through repeated acts of mirroring with the caregiver.
At our core, we are worthy, lovable, and enough simply by virtue of being born. The Core Self remains whole and intact, EVEN when bad things happen to us! The Core Self NEVER leaves us, BUT the Present-Day Self can detach from the Core Self in response to trauma, thus creating the Wounded Self. The Wounded Self is the mixture of all the parts formed in childhood trauma. That wounded child part might feel not enough, too much, like a burden, or not worthy or deserving. That is also the very part that experiences symptoms of anxiety, depression, overthinking, discontent, confusion, detachment, and more. Most importantly, this is also the part that carries self-rejection, harsh self-judgment, and shame.
A therapist informed by CRST helps clients’ Present-Day Self distinguish when they are blended with their Wounded Self (False Self or self at worst) and when they are aligning with their Core Self (Optimal Self or self at best). The discrepancy between these two states can be quite confusing for clients. One moment, they feel empowered and deserving, and within seconds, they flip into feelings of inadequacy, fear, restriction, or worry.
The therapist assists in uncoupling the Present-Day Self from the Wounded Self so that the Wounded Self can be healed and the Present-Day Self can flourish. Moreover, the goal is to bring healing and resolution to these younger, wounded parts, allowing them to integrate into the present. When these parts are not integrated properly, they often act out or hijack our Present-Day Self, resulting in symptoms such as confusion, distress, pain, rage, addictions, and more.
“Traumatic symptoms are not caused by the ‘triggering’ event itself. They stem from the frozen residue of energy that has not been resolved and discharged; this residue remains trapped in the nervous system where it can wreak havoc on our bodies and spirits.” (Peter Levine)
A therapist informed by Peter Levine’s work (called Somatic Experiencing or SE) doesn’t view post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a pathology to be managed, suppressed, or adjusted to, but as the result of a natural process gone awry. Understandably, the body reacts to shock trauma (assault, accident, natural disaster, or war) and developmental trauma (such as emotional neglect, inadequate nurturing, and guidance). Our bodies tense up; we brace for a fight, or we run. We also can freeze, immobilize, and fawn in an attempt to survive. These are ALL highly adaptive and appropriate responses that are supposed to normalize after the event. However, sometimes this process is thwarted, causing people to develop PTSD. Peter Levine believes that trauma demands respect and need not be a life sentence, and I couldn’t agree more. It is vital to focus on body sensations and NOT intense emotions.
Helping people become aware of their bodies—the tension that builds when they talk about an argument they had with their spouse, a buzzing sensation when they explain how they escaped a dangerous situation, a choking sensation when they talk about how they were silenced once again, or a gut-wrenching sensation when discovered a betrayal—becomes a way of moving through versus getting stuck.
Importantly, our rational brains want to solve these instinctive impulses instead of letting them guide us toward resolution. The frozen residue of energy that has not been resolved and discharged gets trapped in the nervous system. When it persists in the body, it can create a variety of symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and psychosomatic and behavioral problems. We can return to the state of equilibrium by allowing, softening, and thawing our innate drives.
“Presence is hard to describe because it’s an embodied experience, not a concept. For me, when I sense the silent, inner wakefulness that is here, I come home to a sense of wholeness. I’m at home in my body and heart, at home in the earth, and with all beings. Presence creates a boundless sanctuary where there’s room for everything in my life—even the illness…” (Tara Brach)
A therapist grounded in mindfulness helps clients find presence amid pain, fear, sadness, or even confusion. I believe that this is one of the most powerful practices one can learn. Recognizing what is happening, allowing life to be just as it is, investigating inner experience with kindness, and finally, settling into clarity or cohesion and finding refuge within that, can help us endure.
A therapist informed by neuroscience believes that “what fires together, wires together” or “where attention goes, energy flows.” Daniel Siegel promotes practices to create mindsight: to make sense out of our experiences, and to observe the working of our minds. Why is that important? Because, without mindsight, we don’t understand why we sometimes lose our temper with our children, project things on our partners, or judge and criticize our neighbors. Without awareness, we are sentenced to repeat the very behaviors that elicit guilt, anger, or resentfulness in us.
“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” (Etty Hillesum)
A therapist who utilizes breathwork focuses on clients’ breathing patterns, makes them explicit, and assists clients in using their breath as an ally. Although breathing is an unconscious, involuntary function of our respiratory system, learning to harness breath consciously has been shown to impact our well-being profoundly. Most notably, it affects our nervous system, which activates automatically. Additionally, regular breathwork sessions influence digestion, energy levels, sleep, creativity, focus, insight, and brain waves.
At Marta Kem Therapy, I use breath as an anchor and a bridge between mind and body. Just as we need fiber to digest food properly, we need breath to metabolize our emotions. We understand that unmetabolized anger can create aggression, unmetabolized grief can lead to depression, and unmetabolized fear can result in anxiety. It is essential to utilize this incredible resource that is always available to us. Finally, offering longer breathwork sessions accompanied by music and performed comfortably while lying down is a form of an experiential journey where no spoken words are needed. We follow the breath and the body, connecting with our perseverance, willpower, and strength; by doing so, we find our way back home. We bring back the breath to all parts of ourselves that have lost it before. We invite love and connection on the inhale, while releasing fear and fragmentation on the exhale. We cultivate this sweet yet solid relationship with our breath, so that it CAN sustain us as we navigate this highly stimulating modern world.
“You don’t have to know what it is to know that it is.” (David Grand)
Brainspotting, similar to EMDR and Somatic Experiencing, is yet another technique that assists clients in processing traumatic experiences, memories, and addressing limiting beliefs.
Trauma is defined as any experience that can be overwhelming for the system. It leaves pieces of unprocessed experiences frozen in time and space and is stored in the brainstem. For this reason, talking about trauma from the cognitive or thinking brain is not going to be as effective as working directly with the part of the brain that initially stored the trauma—the limbic system and the brainstem (midbrain).
David Grand, the founder of Brainspotting, wrote that what exists in the body is also present in the brain, and what is in the brain is likewise reflected in the body, explaining that the brain and body are interconnected and inseparable. During Brainspotting, clients select an issue they wish to address that emotionally activates them. While reflecting on that issue, they are encouraged to tune into their bodily sensations; by doing so, clients access brain activity.
The therapist helps the client connect the eye position (the brainspot) to the memory of the traumatic experience. Afterward, the therapist invites them to be curious and open, simply noticing and following sensations in the body as thoughts or memories resurface. During Brainspotting sessions, clients are often encouraged to listen to bilateral sounds to enhance the experience and promote coherence between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.
Everything that arises during the session is welcomed, and the process cannot be done incorrectly. Whether the information is understandable does not seem to matter. Our human brains are remarkable mechanisms that not only constantly process a vast amount of information but, with just the right support, also know precisely what needs to happen to navigate an overwhelming experience. Through the process of Brainspotting, we create the space for the brain to heal itself by literally getting out of its way and bypassing the cognitive, thinking brain.
